Rebel Roasts: Founding Fathers Would’ve Drank This

Rebel Roasts: Founding Fathers Would’ve Drank This

A Fictional Coffee Menu Based on Real Grit, Real History, and Zero Decaf

So I am sitting here struggling for content and it's the middle of July.  July in the US after the 4th is like just full of nothing but being outside in the sun and forgetting about everything else.  Content to write for blogs is similar to the amount professional sports in the US in July  - basically nothing unless you like the Tour De France, which I agree is an amazing race, but it's just that event or little league baseball on ESPN for heaven's sake!  Crazy.  So here we are with this blog I had to use some "literary creativity" in this one! 

Let’s face it — if the Founding Fathers were around today, they wouldn’t be sipping pumpkin spice or waiting in line for a lukewarm half-caf soy latte. They’d be slugging back black coffee that could strip the barnacles off a brig. So in the spirit of Independence Day, we brewed up a completely fictional, totally disrespectful, and mildly accurate coffee menu inspired by the real grit of America’s original rebels. Based loosely (very loosely) on actual events — and caffeinated speculation — this is what the Revolutionary crew would have ordered if Old Salt Coffee had been around in 1776.

Grab your tricorn, tighten your liberty sash, and whatever you do — don’t ask for creamer.

☕ George Washington – Liberty Call (Extra Strong)

“I cannot tell a lie: this coffee is freedom in a mug.”

Before he was chopping down cherry trees or crossing the Delaware, George was probably brewing coffee over an open flame with one hand while writing orders with the other. Washington didn’t do things halfway. Neither does Liberty Call.

If there was ever a roast that carried the weight of the republic on its shoulders, it’s this one. Smooth Kona beans, just enough caffeine to carry a musket and a revolution on your back, and the kind of flavor that makes you stand at attention even in your robe and slippers.

Would Washington have enjoyed Liberty Call while riding into battle on horseback? Absolutely. Would he have added creamer? Absolutely not.

This coffee doesn't flinch, blink, or bow — just like the man himself.

🦃 Benjamin Franklin – Brown Shoe Blend

“Early to bed, early to rise, fueled by caffeine and mildly sarcastic advice.”

Franklin wore a lot of hats: inventor, diplomat, writer, kite enthusiast, and low-key pyromaniac. The man once printed a fake newspaper column under a female pseudonym just to prove a point. He was also the reason France decided to back our scrappy little revolution.

He needed a coffee that could keep up — something smooth, complex, and a little unpredictable. Brown Shoe Blend fits the bill with its fruity twist and subtle chocolate tones, perfect for a guy who was just as comfortable crafting snarky witticisms as he was inventing bifocals and discovering electricity.

Franklin didn’t just start the day with coffee. He weaponized it. And you should too.

📜 Thomas Jefferson – Battleship Blend

“Coffee is the best diplomat I’ve ever met.”

Jefferson might’ve drafted the Declaration of Independence, but he still needed a little help staying awake during all those late-night philosophical tangents. Battleship Blend — bold, heavy, and smooth — would’ve been his go-to.

He’d sip it while writing letters that spanned six pages, three languages, and seventeen references to Roman agriculture. This wasn’t a man who liked shortcuts. He liked complexity — and coffee strong enough to keep the Enlightenment rolling until dawn.

Battleship Blend is the roast you serve when diplomacy fails and cannons start talking.

🥊 Alexander Hamilton – Haze Gray (Unfiltered)

“I have just begun to sip.”

No one in the Continental Congress had main character energy quite like Hamilton. Loud. Brilliant. Over-caffeinated. If ADHD had a founding father, it was this guy.

Haze Gray — would’ve powered his Federalist Paper benders and all-night economic policy rants. This is the coffee you drink when you’re ready to duel before breakfast, write an entire Constitution by lunch, and call out your political enemies by name in print by dinner.

Drink it fast, drink it black, and if someone challenges your financial plan? Duel at dawn. Haze Gray is for those who never shut up, never slow down, and never, ever drink decaf.

🏴☠️ John Paul Jones – Green Eyes

“I have not yet begun to decaffeinate.”

The OG Navy savage. Jones didn’t just fight the British — he hunted them. On their turf. At night. With a ship barely holding together and a crew that thought mutiny was just a strong suggestion.

He wasn’t sipping breakfast blends while launching a surprise assault on the HMS Serapis. He was chugging Green Eyes — dark roast, heavy body, notes of vengeance — brewed in a fire-blackened mug below deck right before lighting off broadsides.

This coffee doesn’t ask for forgiveness. It charges the gun deck with a cutlass in its teeth and a pot in each hand.

🧨 Benedict Arnold – Decaf Pumpkin Spice (Cancelled)

“I thought we were doing tea again?”

Let’s just say it — every group has that guy. The one who’s all in until it gets hard. Then suddenly he’s wearing red and asking for whipped cream.

Benedict’s order? A grande decaf pumpkin spice latte, extra foam, and hold the patriotism. No thanks.

You won’t find his drink on our menu. In fact, we’ve erased it from the records entirely. Because decaf during a revolution is treason.

⚓ Unnamed Salty Sailor – The Whole Damn Variety Pack

“I ain’t got time for your politics. Just fill the mug and get underway.”

While the founding fathers were debating liberty and writing history, someone had to run the ship. Someone who didn’t care what blend it was as long as it was hot, strong, and got the job done before first watch.

That guy didn’t need marketing copy or flavor notes. He needed caffeine, chow, and an empty head in the head.

He drank Liberty Call in the morning, Silent Service at midnight, Haze Gray during storms, and whatever was leftover on Sundays. He was the revolution — just without the powdered wig and self-importance.

Final Orders: Brew Like a Patriot

This July, don’t sip like a redcoat. Brew like a rebel. Whether you’re a liberty-loving leader, a deckplate grinder, or just someone who knows the pain of bad coffee on watch — we’ve got a roast for you.

So hoist a mug of Old Salt Coffee and raise a toast to life, liberty, and the pursuit of better caffeine.

#DeathToDecaf
#HoistAMug
#FoundingFathersFueledByCoffee
#LibertyCallApproved